I have been preparing to apply to med school for the past year, and really probably, my whole life since I was five. Since I planned on finally being able to apply this year, I wrote my personal statement for my AMCAS application.
I thought it was pretty good, actually, but I didn’t really feel like I was being honest with myself about how much I REALLY REALLY wanted to be a doctor. After I wrote it, I desperately wanted to be at peace with myself and continue on the journey. I kept studying and preparing to take the MCAT this month. I was doing very well on my classes and on the Kaplan practice tests. But every day I was miserable. Every day I was fighting it.
Although I have been struggling with the decision for about five years now, I wanted whatever I ended up doing to be for the right reasons. There were so many variables clouding a clear answer. I wanted my chosen profession to be driven by passion and not any other “resource.” So why was I going insane if I felt that this is what I was supposed to do?
My first freak out experience was when I was at ORU. I LOATHED going to Gen Chem II class. I never studied. I didn’t even try. Why? I’m not sure. I just withdrew and decided that maybe I’d try nursing. I felt that I had copped out. I tried to use excuses like family, etc., to justify it, but I was changing my mind for the wrong reasons. I was scared because reality was closing in and I was committing more and more to a profession.
Well, nursing school passed by, and with hesitance because of respect I say, I just wasn’t challenged. I knew that although nursing was an indispensable profession for some, it just wasn’t for me.
So then Spence came into my life and I saw that his medical school journey was pretty cool. It wasn’t hell and he met some really cool people. I decided that this really was something I wanted to do and got excited about it. As you probably know, I started taking the last classes I needed after I graduated from nursing school and enrolled myself in Kaplan to adequately prepare for the MCAT. I still had confusion in my heart though. I felt like I had to convince myself that I really did want to do this… that there really wasn’t any other way to be professionally and personally fulfilled and that I would work out the details of life later.
The further I pushed on in the year, the worse I got. Unpleasant things started happening to my health and, needless to say, something just was not right. I had a conflict in my heart that I could not work out, and consequently I was never at peace with myself. But I really wasn’t sure why. I felt that I had chosen a pretty complete and esteemed destiny for myself. That I really had no other choice than to become a doctor. And if I don’t? I thought that I would be looked down on for “giving up” or because the road was just too difficult for me. All of my friends and family and even I have identified me with this role in society. It never seemed that it could be any other way without creating some kind of wrinkle in the universe, an irreversible mistake, a disappointing turn for the worse in everyone’s eyes. The more I tried to work it out in my mind, the more “narcissistic, depressed, anxious, and miserable” I got.
I tried to think really hard and figure out that if I had no one else in my life, would I still want to do this? Because then I would have no one to care if I did it or not. Running my crazy thoughts by Spence and trying to figure out my true motivations, he reminded me of some people that he knows that do medicine for the wrong reasons. In that moment, I had a profound and tangible realization that I wanted my motivations to be as pure as possible, or I was going to miserable.
So why again did I want to be a doctor? If it is indeed because of everyone else, if it is not because I have an overwhelming desire in my heart to do it, so much so that it drives me through all of my doubts and propels me toward success, then I am not doing it for the right reasons, either. I know for myself that I have not encountered a truly challenging subject in any of my studies, and I have taken some “hard” classes! This was not something I could not do if I wanted to. I was already successful. I had people around me who loved me and just wanted me to be happy. In reality, I should not care what anybody thinks about what I do because obviously, this is my life!
What did I really want in my life? When I am on my death bed, or when I am standing before God, what would I wished I would have done then?
In my efforts to sort through the confusion, I did make a few conclusions.
More than anything else in this world, I want to be the best wife and mother that I can be.
That is the absolute number one most important thing in my life.
My family is my number one ministry.
And when I try to become something I’m not, that ministry suffers the most.
I cannot afford that.
I know that I want to be in healthcare. I have a passion for it and for helping people. I know that much is true with all my heart. I would like to make a nice living, but money is not of the utmost importance to me.
I know I do not want to just be a nurse. Although that title is plenty for some and comes only after an enormous amount of hard work, it is not enough for me and did not really require all that much energy from me. Clearly, I need to pursue more for myself. Not just because I don’t think it’s good enough for me, I believe I feel that way because God made me for more. He has a different place for me.
I had been shoving the idea of medical school down my throat, especially when the excitement for it seemed nowhere to be found. Something had been missing. Again, something was not right about it. As much as I longed DEEPLY for it to be right, because then I would not have to face anybody’s opinion or judgment about my career choice, if the passion was not there anymore, it was not meant to be there.
If I had not come this far and made the decisions I have made, I would not be where I am. I think there is a reason why I chose nursing as an undergraduate degree, even though I thought I never would and really never wanted to be a nurse. I do believe that I am exactly where I am meant to be.
Someone very wise always pointed out to me the verse in the Scriptures that says that “a righteous man’s steps are ordered by the Lord.” I always took from that that as long as I am genuinely seeking God’s plan for my life and living a righteous life, I will be making the right life decisions and will mostly naturally know what is next. Of course there are sometimes when you have to pray about things and then go from there. But mostly, you just kinda go in the direction you were meant to go.
I want to have TIME. I want to be able to be an excellent wife to my husband. I want to stay at home with my children when they are little, to pour love into their hearts during that fragile time. I want to be home and around when they need me throughout their school years. I have to work though, or I will go crazy. But I do want to be available.
I want to read magazines and books. I want to take my kids places and teach them things. I want to keep my house clean and cook for my husband and children. I want to have money to travel but the time as well. I want to volunteer, giving my time to others. I want to keep my body fit and active and challenge it until it dies. I want to go on adventures and have time to plan them, which I also enjoy. I want to be able to take care of our finances and not be rushed about it. Deep down in my heart, no matter how scared I am to admit it, I know that if I choose to be a doctor, I will not be able to fulfill these greater desires. I know the profession will consume me and I will feel that if one thing is not suffering that the other is. I would not be able to live like that. I think that when I am dying, I am going to be more at peace with all of the time I spent with my family and with people than the pieces of paper I have framed on the wall. I will be thinking about all of the people to whom I ministered and the TIME I had to adequately take care of the things in this life about which I am truly passionate.
I love my husband, and I want to start having children before I would be done with a medical residency. The kind of mother I want to be will not allow me to do both. It just won’t. Period.
The career option that has been staring me in the face for a long time is becoming a CRNA. Spence and I were talking a long time ago about my interest in anesthesia, and he said that if I ended up going to medical school and becoming an anesthesiologist, I would be wasting time and money! Of course, I just ignored him, because even if it killed me I WAS GOING TO BECOME THIS DOCTOR MEGAN PERSON.
I like medical supplies. I’m weird like that. I loved going to the storeroom and getting needles and tubes. Everything is clean and organized and individually packaged. I love procedural medicine. I like seeing people for a short period of timing and giving them my all in that time. Then I like to send them away!
I like sticking needles in veins.
Gross, I know. I like data collection and organization. I am meticulous and detailed. Organized and “perfectionistic.” Passionate and loving. Gentle and caring. These are the qualities that seem to fit like a warm glove the job description of a CRNA. I need one to two years of critical care experience, two years of school, and then I will start making I very nice living until I want to start poppin’ out kids. Once I have children, I can work part time or not at all. I can pick it back up easily. I can do other things with my life other than constantly shoving my mind with information to make sure I don’t kill someone. Granted, there will still be an element of lifelong learning involved in this profession, but the intensity is very dialed down from a physician’s requirement. I will be my “own man,” but still part of a team as well. I won’t have any patients to keep track of. I can really leave the hospital when I leave the hospital. I can have my niche and be happy in it. I can be happy. I can do what I want, what I love. That brings freedom. I could be free!
I have to go with what I do know. And that’s that I love God, I want to spend time with Him, grow to be the best woman I can be, be the best wife I can be, be the best mom I can be, have time to be a wife and a mother but also to pursue my professional goals, go on as many adventures I can with my husband and my family, help as many people as I can as much as I can, and ENJOY AND CELEBRATE MY LIFE! I want to live in the moment! I don’t want to miss anything because I am too busy! I realize an element of that is inevitable, but I feel that I will have much more control over my life if I choose the things that I know my heart really wants. I want a family. I want to be with my family. I want to choose to do something that will allow my greatest passions to flourish. I am moving on to a new phase in my life, but I am ultimately going to choose what God has meant for me to do from the beginning, what He has been guiding my steps to do since I was born, the work for which he fashioned my hands, my heart, my mind. I want to just let Him complete the work He started.
So I say ALL of that to say, I am on my path to becoming a CRNA, and I couldn’t be happier. I have felt relief like no other since I made that decision, and I feel the sanest I’ve felt in a LONG time!
I feel an amazing freedom, and I am so excited about the adventures ahead.
P.S. Forgive me for any grammatical errors! This is a Smog! =)
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